So I was watching Garden State tonight because I have nothing better to do on a Friday night when my friends are busy, and I was thinking about the guy in the movie who gets completely loaded off of his invention of silent velcro.
Now silent velcro is a pretty good idea.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of ridiculous invention I could come up with and make a ton of money off of.
Let's start with the Clapper.
GENIUS! Lazy people all over the world rejoiced when this was invented. Children who fear monsters under the bed, fear no more! Think there's a burglar in your room? Clap and find out. It's probably just your dog...and if it's not, at least you're getting a good look at the assailant. It makes the whole identifying them in a lineup thing all the more convenient for you.
The Snuggie.
Now, people in one of my classes recently tore this product to shreds (not literally)...
But I am not ashamed to admit that I sorta really want one.
Sure, it is a blanket with arms. Nothing special. Slightly- no, very- dorky.
HOWEVER, there have been many occasions when I am studying or watching tv on the couch or in bed and I wanna feel a little cuddly. I would like to multitask, but I'm confined by my traditional BLAH-nket. Some sleeves now and then would be most helpful.
The Magic Bullet.
Honestly, I have gotten sucked into the Magic Bullet infomercial at least a dozen times.
Come on, admit it. You, too, must have thought on some occasion, "WOW! It would be totallly awesome to make a smoothie one minute, guacamole the next, and top it all of with in omelette in less than 10 minutes using only one small kitchen appliance!"
Now, I can't see myself shelling out the dollaz for that one, but every now and then, I find myself dreaming up Magic Bullet concoctions that could have been.
Bendaroos.
This is not a joke. The first person to buy me a set of Bendaroos will be my hero forever...there may or may not be a prize involved. If you don't know what they are, look up the commercial on youtube. I can only think of the grand creations that I could make.
Kidz Bop 972.
Something about 6 & 7-year-olds singing "I Kissed a Girl" and Nickelback covers is just not right to me. Like who in their right mind thought that was a great idea? Apparently someone with a kid in juvie...and anyone who teaches their kid that Nickelback is okay should probably join their kid in juvie.
So. What is my point?
Basically, I have decided to dedicate my life to inventing completely useless things that gullible people with insomnia and active credit cards will buy.
First step? The toilet muffler. Belmont's toilets are obnoxiously loud. The problem has escalated to the point where some individuals ::cough, Michael, coughcough:: feel the need to cover their ears after peeing. What will I call the toilet muffler?
THE FLUSHER HUSHER! Come on. Sell that in multiple colors, and people will eat it up.
Other ideas include, but are not limited to:
Flavored Envelopes: Tastionary. Some people just don't like to lick it, okay? (That's what she said.)
Heated Massage Chairs (which already exist) but MINE would be musical and emphasize heating the legs and increasing circulation. Name of the product: "Hot Legs Lounge Chair"...Rod Stewart and Tina Turner will obviously trade off time slots in endorsing the product in nighttime infomercials.
In honor of the ficticious creator of silent Velcro, I'd create the silent zipper.
Name: "Zip-It!"
The face of the campaign would be an old man shaking his fist at some little kids zipping up their noisy coats, shouting, "Zip it mongrels!"
That's all I've got for now, but I'm sure I'll come up with something better.
Good luck coming up with your own get rich quick scheme.
Don't forget to Clap On, Clap Off, ladies and gents.
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