Genius Strikes on Friday Nights!

So I was watching Garden State tonight because I have nothing better to do on a Friday night when my friends are busy, and I was thinking about the guy in the movie who gets completely loaded off of his invention of silent velcro.

Now silent velcro is a pretty good idea.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of ridiculous invention I could come up with and make a ton of money off of.

Let's start with the Clapper.

GENIUS! Lazy people all over the world rejoiced when this was invented. Children who fear monsters under the bed, fear no more! Think there's a burglar in your room? Clap and find out. It's probably just your dog...and if it's not, at least you're getting a good look at the assailant. It makes the whole identifying them in a lineup thing all the more convenient for you.

The Snuggie.

Now, people in one of my classes recently tore this product to shreds (not literally)...

But I am not ashamed to admit that I sorta really want one.

Sure, it is a blanket with arms. Nothing special. Slightly- no, very- dorky.

HOWEVER, there have been many occasions when I am studying or watching tv on the couch or in bed and I wanna feel a little cuddly. I would like to multitask, but I'm confined by my traditional BLAH-nket. Some sleeves now and then would be most helpful.

The Magic Bullet.

Honestly, I have gotten sucked into the Magic Bullet infomercial at least a dozen times.

Come on, admit it. You, too, must have thought on some occasion, "WOW! It would be totallly awesome to make a smoothie one minute, guacamole the next, and top it all of with in omelette in less than 10 minutes using only one small kitchen appliance!"

Now, I can't see myself shelling out the dollaz for that one, but every now and then, I find myself dreaming up Magic Bullet concoctions that could have been.

Bendaroos.

This is not a joke. The first person to buy me a set of Bendaroos will be my hero forever...there may or may not be a prize involved. If you don't know what they are, look up the commercial on youtube. I can only think of the grand creations that I could make.

Kidz Bop 972.

Something about 6 & 7-year-olds singing "I Kissed a Girl" and Nickelback covers is just not right to me. Like who in their right mind thought that was a great idea? Apparently someone with a kid in juvie...and anyone who teaches their kid that Nickelback is okay should probably join their kid in juvie.

So. What is my point?

Basically, I have decided to dedicate my life to inventing completely useless things that gullible people with insomnia and active credit cards will buy.

First step? The toilet muffler. Belmont's toilets are obnoxiously loud. The problem has escalated to the point where some individuals ::cough, Michael, coughcough:: feel the need to cover their ears after peeing. What will I call the toilet muffler?

THE FLUSHER HUSHER! Come on. Sell that in multiple colors, and people will eat it up.

Other ideas include, but are not limited to:

Flavored Envelopes: Tastionary. Some people just don't like to lick it, okay? (That's what she said.)

Heated Massage Chairs (which already exist) but MINE would be musical and emphasize heating the legs and increasing circulation. Name of the product: "Hot Legs Lounge Chair"...Rod Stewart and Tina Turner will obviously trade off time slots in endorsing the product in nighttime infomercials.

In honor of the ficticious creator of silent Velcro, I'd create the silent zipper.

Name: "Zip-It!"

The face of the campaign would be an old man shaking his fist at some little kids zipping up their noisy coats, shouting, "Zip it mongrels!"

That's all I've got for now, but I'm sure I'll come up with something better.

Good luck coming up with your own get rich quick scheme.

Don't forget to Clap On, Clap Off, ladies and gents.

Someone had to say it...

"Well someone slap me with a wet squirrel!" - Michael Puryear, my Music Publishing professor

This got me thinking.

What the heck is up with some of the phrases that we use in every day conversation?

I'm not afraid to look stupid.

Up until about a year or so ago, I had no idea I had been wrongly saying phrases my entire life:

"Up and at 'em!"  became "Up and Adam!"  Which obviously made very little sense to me before I figured that one out.

"Taken Aback" became "Taken Back"  It took a Rocket Summer song to make me realize I was apparently unaware that 'aback' is even a word.  Has aback EVER been used in your normal vocabulary?  No.  But I'm nearly positive that the word 'back' appears in your conversations daily.

"Tide you over" became "Tie you over"  Which I STILL don't understand.  What does tide have to do with anything in this context?  Tie is a much more appropriate word to use considering the meaning of this phrase.  Like, tie, fasten, fix in place, sustain.  You eat a snack to tie you over until dinner.  You go to the beach to see the tide changes.  Seriously- if anyone has an adequate explanation, I'd really appreciate it.

Other phrases I don't quite see the purpose of:

"Pardon my French"-

Okay, so apparently, all the French are capable of saying is something unpleasant or bleep worthy now, oui?

How many of us could even use French if we wanted to? 

I'm sorry, French people.  I will acknowledge the good you have done for the world:

1) A place to bury Jim Morrison

2) Brie

3) The bidet

4) The French Kiss (although, I'm pretty sure they didn't invent that one...just cutting them some slack)

5) The Bichon Frise

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."-

Okay, I get it.  It's better have a small advantage within your reach then some unreachable thing...but really, society, could we not come up with something that doesn't take a full 5 minutes of contemplation to figure out?

And- I do not want a bird in my hand.  Does no one fear the avian flu any longer?

"Rule of Thumb"-

I did some research regarding the origin of the Rule of Thumb, (because it must be awfully darn important, duh) I discovered that this goes back to Old England, when apparently, a man could beat his wife with a stick as long as it did not exceed the width of his thumb.  Now maybe this is just me, but if my husband beat me with a stick...there'd be more than one stick being violently snapped in half, if you catch my drift.

"You are the bee's knees!"-

Uhm...thank you?

"Whatever tickles your fancy!"-

Hm. Ever consider that maybe my fancy doesn't wanna be tickled? 

Maybe I just wanna get what I want.

I could probably go on about this forever...I just think it's interesting to think about all of the phrases we use all the time.  Where do they come from?  Do people just make this stuff up? Well, apparently, yes.

So why can't I?

From now on, I'm just going to insert random collections of words, preferably containing alliteration, in conversation and see where it takes me.

My first one "Well tickle my tonsils!" (Meaning yet to be applied)

Upon second thought, that sounds dirty.  I'll try again.

"It's raining felines and frankfurters!"  (Get it?  Cats and 'hot' dogs?)

....okay, maybe those do suck.  Okay, they definitely suck.  But it's no worse than the bird/bush one.

But at the end of the day, I can only be glad that I'm not my former roommate who was convinced that the word stupid was spelled with a T at the end.  Her reasoning was that you applied the adjective to a person or object (hence the "it" in stupit)...Bless her soul.

I just find the irony that it was the word stupid hilarious in and of itself.

I also think it's pretty sad that she did not have one teacher, friend, or family member correct her for 19 years.

Most of my friends would consider me a grammar/English/writing freak...which I am.  In fact, I've told my current roommate that I get a sick joy from reading and editing papers.  Consequently, I've proofread about 5 this year.  However, I am not afraid to admit that this quadrant of the English language still puzzles me...and probably always will.  Why anyone would request to be slapped by a wet squirrel is beyond me...

Well, you can't be good at everything...

So I changed my mind about that whole "secretly liking accounting/being kinda good at it" thing.

I definitely jinxed myself.  

*Correction: I suck at accounting, it hates me, and I return the favor.

On another note, my little sister is now funnier than me.  Apparently, the downside to exposing her to all of my sarcasm and witticism is that, eventually, those darn kids pick up on it.

They accrue all of these sharp things you've said in their mind, improve upon them, and then wreak havoc on YOUR audience.

I first noticed the problem the last time I was home for a visit.  I spat out a random sarcastic bit, and the little brat one-upped me.  (I say brat only because I'm bitter)

I'm not going down without a fight.  No, no, no.

Also, I suggest that all of you learn to appreciate the simple joys in life.

My roommate recently bought me a Lisa Frank coloring book.

Simply by her association with the object, she is now my favorite person in the world.

Caitlin also gave me Silly Putty.

......and I now realize that I sound like a 4 year old.

But someday, when I'm old and my hands are arthritic, I'm going to be pretty happy to say that my aching joints were earned through years of coloring pretty pictures and lifting pencil drawings onto Silly Putty. 

Pictured above:

The Silly Putty Unicorn that Caitlin requested, which, somehow, looks more like a fetal pig.

Which reminds me of a really bad experience in 9th grade biology.

OF COURSE my group got the pig that wasn't adequately drained of its bodily fluids...

(For those of you interested, formaldehyde makes the leftovers inside black and clumpy)

Hello, world:

I would just like to inform you all that you have not experienced a smidgen of life until you have experienced the culinary excellence that is Caitlin Steele's puppy chow.

You're all missing out on life, and it makes me sad.

I have a gallon size ziploc of it in my room.  Start thinking of ways to convince me to share...it's not going to be easy...

ps...please take some.  Caitlin is trying to fatten me up...or send me into a sugar coma.  But oh that coma will be so yummy.

(pictured above: The hero herself, the master of the birthday celebration, the dolphin whisperer)

Oh, and you also haven't experienced life until you've had a best friend like Caitlin.  I could go on for hours, but no one would read that...basically, just be jealous because she is the most fun and big-hearted girl in the world.

the end. 

The day we all love to hate...

Valentine's Day, until we've actually had a good one, can easily be about as enjoyable as getting stranded on the toilet with no toilet paper.

My last Valentine's Day consisted of me on a date with one of my best girlfriends at the same time and location as my current boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend.  That was about as fun as sandpapering your eyeballs.  I also received my signature pity rose, which I did gladly accept as a token of appreciation for my friendship (I really did appreciate it a lot, Michael, I promise, and Collin would be glad to know you continued the tradition)...

I'm now positive that guys hate Valentine's Day as much as single girls do though.  Once you're in a relationship, dollars are wasted on flowers that die, meals that get eaten, etc...  And as much as your girlfriend agrees that it's a waste of money and a gimmick of the greeting card industry, if you forget of decide to let the day slip, you're probably going to wind up in some trouble.

This year, however, I was lucky enough to have quite a different experience.  Michael has since redeemed himself in a big way.  I must extend a little bit of pity for the boy, however.  February is a big month for him:

My 20th birthday falls on the 8th.  Valentine's Day on the 14th.  Our 6 month anniversary on the 26th.

Lucky for him, I'm easily satisfied by quality time...but the BEAUTIFUL pink roses were a wonderful bonus =)

But- I'm also a firm believer in equality.  A male equivalent of Valentine's Day should be celebrated annually on March 14th.  Society has its own name for this man celebration of love, but it's name is a bit inappropriate, so I'll have to come up with something else.

Most likely this day will consisted of red meat, some form of video games, growling, and rolling in dirt follow by rubbing antlers on trees and using the word "boobs" repeatedly.  Okay, maybe not exactly that, but something that a guy can appreciate...because I'm pretty sure we're all clear on the fact that they don't want flowers, and if your guy does want flowers, you may want to dig a little further into his past...just sayin'.

March 14th is also Taylor Hanson's birthday- if only I could eliminate pointless crap like that from my memory.  He also just had a son named Viggo Moriah.  If that kid doesn't end up looking like him, his life will be miserable.

Other random things stored in my brain:

A horse's heart weighs 10lbs

Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food from freezing

Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump.  This is because they have 4 knees, of course.

In addition to their striped fur, tigers also have striped skin.

Anyway, my point is that Valentine's Day CAN be fun...I never thought I'd see the day.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you.  I hope you've been as lucky in love as I am.

Dun dun dun...

Update:

I'm sort of good at accounting.

And I'm almost enjoying it.

And I think I hate that realization.

This is just sick.

Somebody stop it.

On another note, the weather these past few days has been gorgeous!  What a beautiful way to start off being 20.  I had a delightful birthday thanks to a pretty awesome boyfriend and some wonderful friends. 

Yesterday, I learned that I might be the best female thing that has happened to kickball in a while.

I'm so good at kickball, in fact, that I am accurate enough to kick it directly to whoever is on first base each and every time.

Someday, remember this: I will make it to first base.

Quarter Life Crisis: Lessons in Hair Coloring

In preparation for my 20th birthday this Sunday, my dear friend, Madison, and I decided that it could be fun to spontaneously decide to dye our hair.  Now...if you know me, you know how I feel about my hair.  No one, and I mean no one, besides trained professionals have ever touched my hair (and now I know for good reasons)...If only someone had warned me that the color on the box is a BIG FAT LIAR.  

What was once referred to by many as "The Mane" had spun into an uncontrollable state of "Mane-ia."

My hair did not turn a beautiful, deep, mahogany brown...oh no, ladies and gentlemen.

My hair proceeded to turn a nice shade of pinkishorangeishburgundybrownred which my boyfriend later referred to as "Cartoony."

Other sentiments about the accidental hair color?

"How late is Walgreens open?"

"Ooh...it's not.....that bad."

"Can that really be fixed?"

"You gonna pull a Britney?"

And the picture doesn't do it justice...go out in the sunlight, and you might be blinded by it.

Yeah it was bad.  I learned to laugh about it.  My aunt put it a good way- "Just consider this your last act of random teenage stupidity."

And I think I will- If, I can hold out till Sunday...

Either way though, my hair has since been changed back to a color that occurs in nature and does not look like Wilma Flinstone, and I can get a good laugh out of it.

Moral of the story: 

1) Kids, do not try this at home

2) You're only young for a little while, so do something stupid now while you can still get away with it.